This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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