May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
