well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
