you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
