I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
