she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
