So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
