I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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