I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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