You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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