Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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