My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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