I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
