I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
