I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
