it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
