Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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