id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
