she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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