Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
