i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
