Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
