I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
