No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
