Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
