you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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