I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
