I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
