my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
