escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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