You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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