9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
being pregnant is like rehab
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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