You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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