I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize