cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
