is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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