Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
