I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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