Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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