i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
