I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
