im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
