Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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