Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
