Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
