yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
