She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
