dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
