He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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