life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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