He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
