Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
