Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
